The Guiltiness

Did u ever face a situation where u feel bad or guilty if u want to do something? ‘Do something’ here means like u might destroying something that already in place. Example like u make a cake with a beautiful icing decoration on it that u love so much till u feel like u don’t even want to cut n spoil it. Or maybe u have tighten n straighten up your bed sheet neatly n u feel bad if u sit on it unless it’s a bed time.

What about when u are on a strictly diet programme. You paid thousands Ringgit for that n u can’t eat this n that. What about u pay for the expensive membership n go to the gym everyday. Even hire a personal instructor. Follow all the do’s n don’ts. You have sustained avoiding it until one day u really craving of wanting eating something that u like so much, would u do it?

As for me, I sometimes have this guiltiness obsession within myself. I am very concern about my weight. I am 5ft 7in tall with 6#kg. My weight is considered ok with my height. But the very ambitious me who always not happy with the number, trying so many ways to reduce it!

I was very skinny when young n after gave birth n getting older it’s so difficult for me to get back to the weight that I want. I did actually tried the slimming tea (didn’t work), slimming cream (didn’t work) n exercise (worked but slow). So far the best weight reducer program n the excellent result that I had achieved was during the time I breastfeed by two younger kids.

I lost my weight tremendously. I just love my body at that time. I can eat anything what I want n remain slim at the same time. I breastfeed my last baby – Hakeem for two years. After a few months stopped my body just kept flabby here n there. The ‘spare tyres’ developed at the area that is so difficult to get rid off.

As for the solution, on the safer n sensible way I am doing a regular exercise. Though the result is slow, but I am achieving it now. The main thing is u can never get it easy. Exercise is one thing n your diet is another thing.

This is where my guilty of eating this n that comes. I love chocolate but now I rarely eating it. I have stopped drinking fizzy n sweet drinks. I limit myself eating rice 2times per week. But I can’t stop myself eating curry, masak lemak, oily fried mee, kuetiaw n all those malay foods. Oh.. it’s so tough ah..

The temptation is so hard to resist. Last Saturday I had a slice of chocolate mud cake. It’s so yummy. I made curry mee for Sunday lunch n today I had Nasi Lemak for my breakfast. I broke the rules. And to amend it, I keep telling myself if u feel good eating it – go ahead. But at the same time don’t stop exercise. And that will make me feel less guilty.

It’s not easy to be easy. Sometimes I can feel so terrible guilty after eating something. Regret that I didn’t stop n control myself. I am not aiming for the Miss World figure but I just want to look nice n confident with myself. Susah kan jadi perempuan? Sometimes dah mcm kufur nikmat pulak. But sometimes I just bantai je.. I don’t care. I told myself, eat while u can eat because if u r sick u can never eat n enjoy the food anymore.

The Relocation

This morning I had finished relocated all the boxes which all this while resided at our temporary store – the new house. Our ‘harta karun’ from Oman n Miri. The job started at 11.00am n ended at 3.45pm. When I first called the lorry man, I told him that he has to bring extra workers for all those heavy n many boxes.

When came this morning, I saw one man n a lady. The lorry man himself is 65 years old n of course he’s the boss n won’t do the ‘carrying’ part. I really felt sorry for those two workers. The distance from my new house to my rented house here is just 3km. We had to make a 3 delivery trips since he just brought a small lorry.

And when the job was over, I felt so relieved. I had finally managed to empty the house for the people to start doing the renovations.

I had actually sorted out some of the boxes n gave away some of the things. But still there are lots of boxes which some of it I can’t recall what’s inside. Especially those which from Miri.

(the room before the transformation)

I didn’t want to open it when it was there coz afraid of making more mess. Now I’ve put all the boxes in one of the room in my rented house here. I guess I have to start opening n sorting out box by box.

(after the transformation - don't ask me where i put those beds & cupboard!)

Nabila n Hakeem were so excited to see the boxes which stated ‘toys’ n ‘computer’. They were non-stop begging me to open those. I told them to wait till we move to the new house. It’s enough with the mess n toys that they currently have.

So for the time being, I have to bear with all the cramped boxes in the house.

Thank God It's Friday

Thank God it’s Friday. I am so happy when comes to Friday. It’s the end of the day of my kids’ schooling for the week. And it means it’s the end of the day that I have to rush in the morning – preparing breakfast n jammed in the traffic while sending them to school. I hate that everyday I have to go thru the heavy traffic. There is never one in a day that the Federal Highway is smooth without jam!

When it’s Friday meaning that I can stay up late watching TV, though I tried to but always fell asleep on the couch. And the best thing is the next morning I can wake up a bit late than usual, which actually it seldom happened coz I can’t force myself to sleep after Subuh. What a waste ahh.. But that precious moment I either sitting down or lying on the bed thinking about myself, hubby, kids, home n especially those sweet memories.

Then on that Saturday morning I will go out with my children having our weekly breakfast at kedai Mamak. Then send them to Art class while I am having time for my own – window shopping. Saturday n Sunday are always my day off for cooking. It’s my kids’ day n they can request to eat anything n anywhere.

And most of all I am happy n excited with ‘today-Friday’ is because I have another two Fridays before I can meet n cuddle my beloved hubby *wink*.

The Final

This morning I went to see my I.D n the contractor regarding the renovations of our house. Today we finalized everything on the materials. As for now I think I’ve decided almost everything about the raw materials n colours except for the furniture.

According to the Mr Contractor, order has to be confirmed before end of the month. As most of the suppliers will jack up the price on everything. Apa lagi.. minyak naik harga punya pasal lah.. So in order to secure the old prices, we have to place an order n dump in some deposits.

This Monday I will be meeting them again with the ‘figure’ for the whole project. We have informed them our budget. Hopefully with the things increased here n there, it will not give so much impact to us.

I just can’t wait for the house to be ready. The house is all the sweat n effort that we had all these years to make it as our dream home. The home sweet home for my beloved family.

On the other hand, today I received the water bill stated that the 1st 20m3 water bill has been paid by KDEB (government of Selangor). My total bil is RM6.18 n paid by them RM4.82. And I have to pay the balance RM1.35. Hmm… not bad ahh.. :)

My Choice

This morning I went to the Maids Agency. Wanted to look for a maid. First I was given a bundle of files with the profiles n pictures of the girls. There a few who look so young, old, fierce n decent. After looked thru a few, I seem to like one of the girls. To me she looked quite decent n young. So I decided to choose her.

According to the agent, I have to wait between 3-4 months for her arrival. I don’t mind waiting if it’s worth. While in that office, I saw a few Maids sitting there. When asked, they said those are already taken n waiting for their employer.

Then came one of the staff mentioned that there are two who are still available. Maybe it’s just my luck. I said I would like to see both of them. I feel it’s better for me to see the girls in person n I can do some interviews.

After done with the question n answer session, I decided to take one of them. She looked clean, pleasant n young. And somehow I feel that she is the one for me. As for this available Maid I still have to wait for another 2 months for things to get processed.

I know I can’t judge people by the first meeting. But I hope she won’t create any problem for me. As from my side I am not a fussy n demanding employer. As long as she do her job I will be happy enough.

The 100th Day

On the way out for a dinner tonite, I saw Stadium Shah Alam was packed with cars n people. The traffic was a bit slow n there were a few policemen around. I wonder what was going on. When looked at the banner then I realized it’s the ceremony of the 100th day Pakatan-led Selangor government in power.

As one of the citizens who reside in Selangor, I can’t see any drastic changes made. All I heard n read were all the same old stories. Finding faults, blaming each other, digging old files n promises n promises. Maybe 100 days is too short for the new government to do anything.

I hope whatever that were promised, will be delivered soon. As this are what people in the state wants. Not just talk, but action. We want something new n not the same old stories!

NO - not an easy word

Now I know how it feels. The feeling of worried, feared n frustrated that my Mom had when I was young. Why my Mom always say NO to some of the things that I want to do. At that time I couldn’t understand n always protest against her.

Now I am facing this with my own girls. I have a bunch of grown-up girls. When they were small it’s easy to make them understand why they can’t do this n that. They accepted all ‘NO’ instruction without complained.

But now it’s different. Whatever ‘NO’ that says always has to come with the rational explanation. Though I gave them logic reasons to justify it, still they can’t accept it. They will start to ask why? Why I can’t do this where else my friends can? Why I can’t go when u never bring me there? Why don’t u trust me? Why do u always say NO to whatever I like?

Then we started not talking to each other. She started to show her protest n me the hurting old woman, started blaming inside myself whether I am making the right decision. I always believe with my own instinct. It happened a few occasions in my life that I was never wrong with my instinct.

How I wish my daughter could understand why I have to do this. I just worry n care about her. I don’t want any bad things happen to her. But as a grown up teenagers with the uncontrolled surroundings, things won’t be smooth n easy for parents.

I try my best to be an understanding mother. Always update my knowledge to the latest news n trend. I try to be fair n understand what they want so I won’t be an ‘outdated’ mom. Be their friends n share the same interest. Accommodate the best educations n facilities for them.

These are what all Moms n parents want for their children. I guess this is the part of process in the journey of our life. When our children are growing up, we are getting older. We were at their place before n we know what they feel. It’s just that maybe nowadays is not the same as our old days.

What I wish n hope that all my children will be success in their future. Have a good n decent life. Menjadi anak-anak yang beriman di dunia dan akhirat. As me n Hubby always say to them, one day Mommy n Ayah will die. We don’t have millions or tons of fortune to be left for u. What we have are all the educations that we gave to u all this while. If u are smart, u will turn up to be somebody respectable.

The Shoes

Nabila N Hakeem didn’t go to school today as I brought Nabila to see a dentist. She has been complaining having a tooth ache lately. The doctor just gave a medicine n nothing could be done yet because of the swelling gums. The next appointment is until she finishes all her antibiotic.

Since Nabila is still in her good mood (after taking the pain killer) we then went to Sunway Pyramid. I have not been there since 8 years ago. The mall now is so huge. Compare to those days, the Mall was actually like a dead place. But now it’s just like another KLCC.

We didn’t actually go over the whole place. We had lunch n went around to look for Nadira’s shoes. She has been dragging me from Mall to Mall since her last home visit to get her ‘kasut idaman’. And today I said, if u couldn’t find what u like here, that’s all.. I wouldn’t want to go anywhere else.

And after went from one shop to another, she finally found the one that she liked. At first there was no size for her. Then we went again to other shops. At last she got one with her size. Oh.. ini rupanya yg dia nak sangat!! Hmm.. maybe this is ‘in’ at the moment. Ingat kan.. kasut tinggi ala Paris Hilton ke..

She immediately bought the shoes n smiled happily carrying the plastic bag. So I guess today is the happiest day for her. As for Hakeem he’s excited with his Transformer Robot n Nabila with her Disney’s Stamper.

And for me, I don’t know why but I felt so exhausted n currently having a migraine.

Water Cut Off

This afternoon I went to fetch Nadira at her school. It was heavy rain thru out the journey. Nadira got an additional home visit due to the no water supply at her school.

Nadira has been back to her school since 10 days ago. And since then she had problem with the water supply at the school. The supply was on-off n then was totally cut off. And today finally the Principal let the students to go back home.

I don’t understand what took him so long to do this. For me if no water, the school should be close. Furthermore it’s a boarding school. My daughter said that she took a shower 2 days once. The teacher had to drive them to the Genting View Resort. That also depends on the courtesy of the teacher.

The shower part can still be tolerated but what about other ‘business’? Today when I fetched her along with her friend from Saudi, I met n talked to the Principal. According to him, it was the faulty of the main pump. It takes time to get it repaired as this special pump has to be ordered from Singapore.

Well.. that’s not my concern. My concern n worried is the hygienic of the students’ n boarding. Would u want it to lead to another problem?

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father’s Day to my hubby, the father of my beautiful children. Though u are not here today to celebrate this special day with us, we always remember u. All your children are so proud to have u as their dad. As Hakeem always says, ‘my daddy is so cool.. ‘. May Allah will always be with u and we can’t wait for u to comeback. We miss u so much.

As to my dearest father - Ayah, I wish u a Happy Father’s Day. May the happiness be with u n Allah will always protect u. You have done so much things to me that I can never pay u back. Raising n taking care of me till I am what I am today. I can never have a wonderful life today without u. I still remember when I was small n the only girl in the family, u are such a dear to me. You always accompanied me to the the clinic till I’ve grown up n even when I was pregnant with my first baby.

You were always worried about me n always wanted the best for me. We’ve been thru so much together especially when Mama has gone. There were ups n downs between us. No matter what, I just want u to know that I care n love u so much.

You are a wonderful father to me. I will never stop praying to Allah that He will bless u and give u a good health. I just want to see u happy.

And to all fathers - celebrate this special day with your love ones. Congratulations for being a ‘father’. Without u father, there can never be us in this world. Happy Father’s Day again.

We may not shower him with praise
Nor mention his name in song,
And sometimes it seems that we forget
The joy he spreads as he goes along,
But it doesn’t mean that we don’t know
The wonderful role that he has had.
And away down deep in every heart
There’s a place that is just for a father.....

Ain't Working?

There were a few occasions when I met strangers or anybody that I just got to know was surprised that I am not working. It will normally start with self introducing then later on asking ‘where do u work?’. And I sincerely said ‘I am not working’.

Then the person said ‘Not working?’ n I said ‘Yes’. Her face then kind of stunned that I am not working. And that made me regret saying that. I should have just said that I am working. But what is wrong if I said that I am not working?

I went to one shop n on the way out the sales lady asked me whether I am working. I said I am not working. She asked again as to confirm ‘not working?’ I said ‘Yes’. Then she asked ‘then what u do?’ I said I am not working n just stay at home. Does that make u happy? – of course I didn’t say that to her. Then she sent me out with the unsatisfactory look!

Do I look like somebody graduated from Oxford? Do I look like somebody that is not supposed to walk in to your shop? Or maybe I am just not worth to be entertained. Or maybe u feel sorry that I am jobless?

I don’t dress like a rich wealthy lady. I don’t look like Mak Datin. I don’t carry designer handbag or shoes. I am just a simple middle age lady who seems to be ‘lucky’ that I don’t have to work. But wait… I don’t live like a leisure lady though I don’t work. I don’t have a helper/maid. I have to do all my house chores by myself. Just name it –scrubbing the toilet bowl? Wash/iron clothes? Cooking?

That doesn’t count me as a chauffeur to my kids’ n sometimes ‘peon’ who running around here n there paying all the bills. Beside that I am also the home tutor for my kids. See.. now I doesn’t sound like I am jobless.

Technically I am not working with any company n to be called as a career woman. BUT what I am doing now is more than enough. More than anybody can be labelled as a career successful woman. I don’t go against those who are working. I was working before n I enjoyed every second of my life at that time.

I am sometimes even envy hearing some of my friends who are now well achieved in their career. At first I was so frustrated to leave my job which at that time was the peak moment of my career. I have to choose between my family and career. And I had made a good choice.

And I am not bit regret to be what I am now. This is the most honourable job that anybody could have. And I believe everybody will agree with me. Though I don’t take home 4 figures salary but I am more than happy to earn what I have now. I can be closer to my kids n have my most quality time with them. Cook for my family n see them grown up in front of me.

And this is the best profession n moment in my life.

The Value of Money

Everything goes up! The price of petrol, rice, flour, cooking oil, sugar n lots lots more. Nowadays if u go to Giant with RM50 in your purse, tell me what can u get out of it? I still remember 8-10 years back with the RM50, I can buy the whole week of groceries. But now it’s impossible.

The cost of living here in KL has drastically increased. I was surprised to see there are so many new hi-way which of course with paid toll. A few times I had lost my sense of directions since I came back here which I end up went thru these new hi-ways. So no money/touch n go card/smart tag better not to cruise around.

Today u can never buy nasi bungkus with the price of RM3 even at makcik jual tepi jalan. I feel sorry for those who have just started their career n life here in KL. Life is not going to be easy. But do we have any options?

Recently the increased of petrol has given so much impact to everybody. My mother in-law has started listing down things to buy n only will go out once a week to buy those groceries. My brother has started taking motorbike to his work. As for me, how I wish I can fill up my car with ‘water’! I go out everyday to send my kids to school n I wish my full tank petrol will last for at least two weeks.

It’s not just the petrol that we r talking here. I went around to a few furniture shops. They said I have to buy the furniture within this week coz after this the price will be different. When asked why, they said minyak naik.. nanti semua barang naik ohh…

And all this really gave a big blow to my house project. As when we checked, the entire price for the materials goes up as well. And this will really burst our budget.

My advise to those who are working abroad, especially my friends – don’t come back yet till u have make tons of money!

The Next SuperModel

I can’t believe when I downloaded these pictures from Nadira’s camera. Nabila posed like a ‘supermodel’. Nabila looks so lovely n sweet that I would like to share this with all of u. Enjoy it.

End Of School Holiday

Today is the last day for Nadira’s school holiday. She has been home for two weeks. And yet she’s complaining that it is too short. She has been dragging the time for me to send her back to boarding today. I was supposed to send her in the afternoon but at the end we departed from home at 5pm.

She took the afternoon time by spending it with Nabila n Hakeem. They went for swimming. Well.. this is actually the only time for my two little tods had fun for swimming. If their sisters are not around, takde lah swimming as their mom is so so lazy to wet herself!

I went back to Malacca two days ago to fetch Faizah. Yesterday I sent her back to her boarding. And today is Nadira’s turn. As for now Nurul has also back to her boarding. The school has starts n they are back to their routine n the same goes to me.

p/s: Today is also the day my late mother was born

It's Over

When the same incidents keep occurring, u will take it as a series in your life. U feel sick n tired but at the end u will feel nothing about it. It will be numbed n u couldn’t care less anymore. That’s what I am feeling now.

At first I will always worried n keep figured out why all this should happened. I even sometimes blamed myself for all this. I felt sore. I can’t sleep n continuously thinking about it. It kept buzzing on n on in my head till I got sick.

But now it’s over. It’s over in a sense that I don’t give a damn about it. I had tried n worked hard n took all my effort to solve the crisis n problem. I stoop down myself just to please others. Swallow my pride n dignity just to make people happy.

I don’t n will never regret if it doesn’t worked out. To me it’s just my mistakes. My big mistake to get involved with the people whose thinking is not the same level as mine. We just don’t speak the same language.

The only thing that I care now is only one person. One person that connected so much to my life. That’s all that I should worry about.

I believe in fate n destiny. Whatever happened is because Allah wants it to be. And I embrace all these with my open heart.

If anyone speaks badly of you, live so no one will believe it. The truth can never be wrong even if no one hears it.

Decision

White is pure. It’s a common colour n can never be out of date. But I would love to have something different. Something that’s lively n has character in it.

These back few days I was busy running around looking, choosing n deciding the materials for my house. This morning I went to have a look at the tiles. To tell the truth, this is actually my first time fully involved from beginning in the process of making our ‘home sweet home’.

I thought u just tell the I.D what u want n it’s all done. But it doesn’t sound that easy. We had actually finalized the concept n now is about to choose the materials. It’s so tough for me to decide these alone. My hubby already said YES in whatever I’m gonna choose. More or less we have the same taste n style.

BUT still I am afraid that I am going to make a mistake. Today I had chosen the tiles for all the bathrooms n floors. I didn’t realize that nowadays they have a variety of style n pattern of tiles especially for the bathroom.

For some people, bathroom is just a bathroom. But for me n hubby, it’s ‘something’ that represent ‘something’. There are no more plain square white tiles in the bathroom. I’ve made all the bathrooms with their own character n theme. And I am so excited about it!

And I just can’t wait for these people to start hacking the wall of my house. We target to move in to our new house before Eid.

The Amateur Photographer

Today was such a long day for me. Feel so bored. My house was very noisy n exciting when I have my special guests the whole last week but now it’s quiet. My dad came yesterday to pass gifts that he bought for my kids from Kuching. T-shirts printed with cute cats. Nabila was the one who’s so excited to have it as she loves cat so much.

Today my bro dropped by to see me n we had our tea at kedai mamak. My planned was to go to Sungai Buluh. Unfortunately due to a sudden heavy rain, I’ve changed the plan instead n went to Tesco.

While doing groceries I didn’t realize Nadira was busying taking photos around. Actually Nadira loves to take photos. She is in fact was eying for his dad’s camera. We gave her a normal digital camera before but the ‘ambitious’ Nadira always wants the canggih n professional look one. Since his dad is not around, the camera now seems dah jadi harta dia. Wherever she goes, the camera always hanged either around her neck or her shoulder! Macam pro lah tu..

And she will snap anything she sees like nobody’s business. And so far takde lagi pakcik guard or authority that warn her. And normally all the photos taken were not bad. Here are some photos that were taken at Tesco just now who featured two cheeky kids who also love to pose for this camerawoman (dalam troli pun jadi….)