Sunday, 21 October 2007

Is this the End?

I had been thinking a lot lately. Did it ever encounter in one of your days that u have been thinking non-stop till u got head ache n still there is no end towards it? I am at that situation now. Well actually we r the one who can put to the end of it. But now my brain just ‘loves’ to keep repeating the same issues in my head like a record player again n again.

Nothing really serious actually.. it is just I’ve been thinking about my plan to go back to Malaysia for good. It’s about my child education, my house back in Malaysia n especially about my dearest father. Yes.. actually the whole thing was about my dad. No matter how hard I tried not to admit it n no matter how difficult I tried not to get involve into his life BUT me as his eldest n only daughter can’t help just to ignore it!

I believed Allah has put all of us accordingly to His plans. That’s why we have to believe Qada’ dan Qadar. And that goes to my father as well. After my mom passed away he remarried. I who was at first totally against the marriage slowly understood n accepted his new life partner. I understand that he needs a companion. My mom had been very sick for the last final year before the end of her life. My dad had really taking a good care of her.

Every child in the world wants to see their parents happy. I want to see my dad happy as well. My dad is just not like an old man that I used to know. He is now a different kind of person that I’ve known thru out my life. I can see in his eyes that he’s hiding something from all of us. We did ask n confronted him but as usual he will deny n said that he’s all right.

Ever heard the quotes ‘Seeing is believing’? Yes.. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen how my dad had been abused n treated. Well maybe not physicals abuse yet.. but mentally abused! As a normal human being n furthermore as his child u will definitely don’t like what u see. I had a few times intruded into their life but at the end I was the one who hurt more. The worst part the effects will go to my father which I hate to see it. The miserable n depressed look. I know that he sometimes felt guilty to us of what had happened but at the same time he has to please the other party.

I feel so helpless. Feel so guilty to my mom. I am not trying to play God but I always want to see my dad happy n give him the best that I could. I am far far away to reach him. I couldn’t be beside him if anything happen to him. I will never give up n stop praying to Allah that my father will one day realize the truth. He is such a kind hearted person n does not deserve at all to having this kind of life towards the last moments of his life.

Maybe I just better leave them alone. Like my hubby always says, if that make him happy let it be. I’ll be happy to do that if that really makes him happy. I have a special bonding with my dad. Cubit peha kiri, peha kanan terasa. I can leave him but I can’t be totally ignorant of what is going on.

One thing that I promise to myself n be very sure n definite, if there is something happen to my dad I WILL definitely kick her ass out from the house! This time there will be no compromise!


Anonymous said...

I understand your agony
I been there
same thing with my dad
He has passed away and recently the step mom (his new wife) also passed away
looking back
I felt sori for him
and myself
perhaps as a daughter
I could have done something

voguemom said...

I wish I could too before it's too late. thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

One advise though
ask yourself
can you take care of him
like reaaaallly take care of him
should anything happened
the way you want it?
With you very own family
commitment and all
until you can sincerely answer that
then only decide
with major decisions