The Guiltiness

Did u ever face a situation where u feel bad or guilty if u want to do something? ‘Do something’ here means like u might destroying something that already in place. Example like u make a cake with a beautiful icing decoration on it that u love so much till u feel like u don’t even want to cut n spoil it. Or maybe u have tighten n straighten up your bed sheet neatly n u feel bad if u sit on it unless it’s a bed time.

What about when u are on a strictly diet programme. You paid thousands Ringgit for that n u can’t eat this n that. What about u pay for the expensive membership n go to the gym everyday. Even hire a personal instructor. Follow all the do’s n don’ts. You have sustained avoiding it until one day u really craving of wanting eating something that u like so much, would u do it?

As for me, I sometimes have this guiltiness obsession within myself. I am very concern about my weight. I am 5ft 7in tall with 6#kg. My weight is considered ok with my height. But the very ambitious me who always not happy with the number, trying so many ways to reduce it!

I was very skinny when young n after gave birth n getting older it’s so difficult for me to get back to the weight that I want. I did actually tried the slimming tea (didn’t work), slimming cream (didn’t work) n exercise (worked but slow). So far the best weight reducer program n the excellent result that I had achieved was during the time I breastfeed by two younger kids.

I lost my weight tremendously. I just love my body at that time. I can eat anything what I want n remain slim at the same time. I breastfeed my last baby – Hakeem for two years. After a few months stopped my body just kept flabby here n there. The ‘spare tyres’ developed at the area that is so difficult to get rid off.

As for the solution, on the safer n sensible way I am doing a regular exercise. Though the result is slow, but I am achieving it now. The main thing is u can never get it easy. Exercise is one thing n your diet is another thing.

This is where my guilty of eating this n that comes. I love chocolate but now I rarely eating it. I have stopped drinking fizzy n sweet drinks. I limit myself eating rice 2times per week. But I can’t stop myself eating curry, masak lemak, oily fried mee, kuetiaw n all those malay foods. Oh.. it’s so tough ah..

The temptation is so hard to resist. Last Saturday I had a slice of chocolate mud cake. It’s so yummy. I made curry mee for Sunday lunch n today I had Nasi Lemak for my breakfast. I broke the rules. And to amend it, I keep telling myself if u feel good eating it – go ahead. But at the same time don’t stop exercise. And that will make me feel less guilty.

It’s not easy to be easy. Sometimes I can feel so terrible guilty after eating something. Regret that I didn’t stop n control myself. I am not aiming for the Miss World figure but I just want to look nice n confident with myself. Susah kan jadi perempuan? Sometimes dah mcm kufur nikmat pulak. But sometimes I just bantai je.. I don’t care. I told myself, eat while u can eat because if u r sick u can never eat n enjoy the food anymore.

The Relocation

This morning I had finished relocated all the boxes which all this while resided at our temporary store – the new house. Our ‘harta karun’ from Oman n Miri. The job started at 11.00am n ended at 3.45pm. When I first called the lorry man, I told him that he has to bring extra workers for all those heavy n many boxes.

When came this morning, I saw one man n a lady. The lorry man himself is 65 years old n of course he’s the boss n won’t do the ‘carrying’ part. I really felt sorry for those two workers. The distance from my new house to my rented house here is just 3km. We had to make a 3 delivery trips since he just brought a small lorry.

And when the job was over, I felt so relieved. I had finally managed to empty the house for the people to start doing the renovations.

I had actually sorted out some of the boxes n gave away some of the things. But still there are lots of boxes which some of it I can’t recall what’s inside. Especially those which from Miri.

(the room before the transformation)

I didn’t want to open it when it was there coz afraid of making more mess. Now I’ve put all the boxes in one of the room in my rented house here. I guess I have to start opening n sorting out box by box.

(after the transformation - don't ask me where i put those beds & cupboard!)

Nabila n Hakeem were so excited to see the boxes which stated ‘toys’ n ‘computer’. They were non-stop begging me to open those. I told them to wait till we move to the new house. It’s enough with the mess n toys that they currently have.

So for the time being, I have to bear with all the cramped boxes in the house.

Thank God It's Friday

Thank God it’s Friday. I am so happy when comes to Friday. It’s the end of the day of my kids’ schooling for the week. And it means it’s the end of the day that I have to rush in the morning – preparing breakfast n jammed in the traffic while sending them to school. I hate that everyday I have to go thru the heavy traffic. There is never one in a day that the Federal Highway is smooth without jam!

When it’s Friday meaning that I can stay up late watching TV, though I tried to but always fell asleep on the couch. And the best thing is the next morning I can wake up a bit late than usual, which actually it seldom happened coz I can’t force myself to sleep after Subuh. What a waste ahh.. But that precious moment I either sitting down or lying on the bed thinking about myself, hubby, kids, home n especially those sweet memories.

Then on that Saturday morning I will go out with my children having our weekly breakfast at kedai Mamak. Then send them to Art class while I am having time for my own – window shopping. Saturday n Sunday are always my day off for cooking. It’s my kids’ day n they can request to eat anything n anywhere.

And most of all I am happy n excited with ‘today-Friday’ is because I have another two Fridays before I can meet n cuddle my beloved hubby *wink*.

The Final

This morning I went to see my I.D n the contractor regarding the renovations of our house. Today we finalized everything on the materials. As for now I think I’ve decided almost everything about the raw materials n colours except for the furniture.

According to the Mr Contractor, order has to be confirmed before end of the month. As most of the suppliers will jack up the price on everything. Apa lagi.. minyak naik harga punya pasal lah.. So in order to secure the old prices, we have to place an order n dump in some deposits.

This Monday I will be meeting them again with the ‘figure’ for the whole project. We have informed them our budget. Hopefully with the things increased here n there, it will not give so much impact to us.

I just can’t wait for the house to be ready. The house is all the sweat n effort that we had all these years to make it as our dream home. The home sweet home for my beloved family.

On the other hand, today I received the water bill stated that the 1st 20m3 water bill has been paid by KDEB (government of Selangor). My total bil is RM6.18 n paid by them RM4.82. And I have to pay the balance RM1.35. Hmm… not bad ahh.. :)

My Choice

This morning I went to the Maids Agency. Wanted to look for a maid. First I was given a bundle of files with the profiles n pictures of the girls. There a few who look so young, old, fierce n decent. After looked thru a few, I seem to like one of the girls. To me she looked quite decent n young. So I decided to choose her.

According to the agent, I have to wait between 3-4 months for her arrival. I don’t mind waiting if it’s worth. While in that office, I saw a few Maids sitting there. When asked, they said those are already taken n waiting for their employer.

Then came one of the staff mentioned that there are two who are still available. Maybe it’s just my luck. I said I would like to see both of them. I feel it’s better for me to see the girls in person n I can do some interviews.

After done with the question n answer session, I decided to take one of them. She looked clean, pleasant n young. And somehow I feel that she is the one for me. As for this available Maid I still have to wait for another 2 months for things to get processed.

I know I can’t judge people by the first meeting. But I hope she won’t create any problem for me. As from my side I am not a fussy n demanding employer. As long as she do her job I will be happy enough.

The 100th Day

On the way out for a dinner tonite, I saw Stadium Shah Alam was packed with cars n people. The traffic was a bit slow n there were a few policemen around. I wonder what was going on. When looked at the banner then I realized it’s the ceremony of the 100th day Pakatan-led Selangor government in power.

As one of the citizens who reside in Selangor, I can’t see any drastic changes made. All I heard n read were all the same old stories. Finding faults, blaming each other, digging old files n promises n promises. Maybe 100 days is too short for the new government to do anything.

I hope whatever that were promised, will be delivered soon. As this are what people in the state wants. Not just talk, but action. We want something new n not the same old stories!

NO - not an easy word

Now I know how it feels. The feeling of worried, feared n frustrated that my Mom had when I was young. Why my Mom always say NO to some of the things that I want to do. At that time I couldn’t understand n always protest against her.

Now I am facing this with my own girls. I have a bunch of grown-up girls. When they were small it’s easy to make them understand why they can’t do this n that. They accepted all ‘NO’ instruction without complained.

But now it’s different. Whatever ‘NO’ that says always has to come with the rational explanation. Though I gave them logic reasons to justify it, still they can’t accept it. They will start to ask why? Why I can’t do this where else my friends can? Why I can’t go when u never bring me there? Why don’t u trust me? Why do u always say NO to whatever I like?

Then we started not talking to each other. She started to show her protest n me the hurting old woman, started blaming inside myself whether I am making the right decision. I always believe with my own instinct. It happened a few occasions in my life that I was never wrong with my instinct.

How I wish my daughter could understand why I have to do this. I just worry n care about her. I don’t want any bad things happen to her. But as a grown up teenagers with the uncontrolled surroundings, things won’t be smooth n easy for parents.

I try my best to be an understanding mother. Always update my knowledge to the latest news n trend. I try to be fair n understand what they want so I won’t be an ‘outdated’ mom. Be their friends n share the same interest. Accommodate the best educations n facilities for them.

These are what all Moms n parents want for their children. I guess this is the part of process in the journey of our life. When our children are growing up, we are getting older. We were at their place before n we know what they feel. It’s just that maybe nowadays is not the same as our old days.

What I wish n hope that all my children will be success in their future. Have a good n decent life. Menjadi anak-anak yang beriman di dunia dan akhirat. As me n Hubby always say to them, one day Mommy n Ayah will die. We don’t have millions or tons of fortune to be left for u. What we have are all the educations that we gave to u all this while. If u are smart, u will turn up to be somebody respectable.