Al Fatihah Buat Arwah Ibuku

Today is the 7th year my mom passed away – Allahyarhammah Hajjah Khatijah bt Mahmood. I will never forget the day, the last day I saw, talked n held her hands. It was two weeks before the day she left me. I was in the car going to the airport to go back to Miri n there was my mom sitting on the wheel chair waving smiling n looking at me – the look that will be on my mind forever.

Two days before 12th Aug 2002, I had a difficulty sleeping at night n felt uneasy with myself. I even cut my fingers twice while opening the can food. My dad called a day earlier n asked me to come back home. I took the afternoon flight from Miri n the connecting flight to Alor Setar was around 7.00pm.

While walking to the waiting hall my brother Boy called me “Kak Long, Mama dah takde. Mama dah meninggal dunia” I couldn’t believe n didn’t want to accept what I heard. I kept asking him all over again whether it was true. I was 7 months pregnant for Nabila. I was walking with Nadira n after I put down the phone I just walked fast n held her hand with tears in my eyes.

I was not beside my mom during her last moment. Even my two other brothers couldn’t made it except my dad n my younger bro, Boy. When I reached home I saw my mom’s body lying in the middle of the hall way with many people n relatives around.

I have a 33 beautiful n wonderful years with my beloved mom. She was the best n understanding mom. My mom always worried about me, just about everything from the moment she gave birth to me and even till I already had husband n children. If she could hear me now, Mama.. don’t worry about me. I am now happy n u should be happy for me too. I love u n miss u a lot.

Ya Allah.. Ampunkan lah segala dosa ibuku. Kau rahmatilah roh ibuku. Kau tempatkan ibuku di taman-taman syurga. Kau tempatkan ibuku dalam golongan orang yang beriman dan bertakwa.

Al-Fatihah buat Mama..

Hoping For Some Miracles

What I am gonna tell here is the same old story, promise n vision. I’ve not being going to the gym or doing any exercise for couple of months. Once you’ve been in that period for so long all the guiltiness had vanished n you will feel numb n don’t care anymore.

All the people I met gave the same reaction – I’ve put on weight n some of them dare to ask me, are u pregnant? Tak sayang mulut tul.. When I look at myself in the mirror – takde lah gemuk sangat. I am blessed to have a height n broad body frame. So it will not be too obvious if I put on weight. My jeans still fit me except kekadang mcm sesak nafas gak nak tarik.

These are just words to make myself feel better. But I know my body very well. I have managed to expand certain part of my body. It’s a lie if I don’t feel upset n frustrated but damaged has been done. Anyway to cut the story short – last week for 4 consecutive days I managed to drag myself to go to the gym. On the first day I took n recorded my weight – for some motivations of course!

Today after done with my session I took my weight again. With big hope after a week exercise I stepped on the weighing machine n SHIT.. it’s the same number kgs. What do I expect then? I was hoping for some miracles – at least ½ kg shed will make me feel better. But this kind of miracles didn’t happen to me. Sob sob sob..

Since I was small I always believe in miracles. Probably being influenced by the fairytales cartoon I watched so much on TV. There was one time I was hoping that my piano homework that was pending for a week will be completed by miracle. I even made wish behind the door then after 2 hours I sneaked to have a look at the book hoping for miracle. Silly me. Now everybody knows my childhood dumb secret. Hehehehehe..

I still have faith in this miracle phenomenon except now I am being more realistic. Miracles did happen to me. It’s probably not in the physically kind of ways but Allah gave me different types of miracles. I am thankful for receiving that.

I can have a dream that tomorrow morning when I wake up my body will be like Jessica Alba. However it won’t happen to me if I don’t work for it. Nevertheless hoping for miracles is harmless. One thing that make feel good now is my watch that I am currently wearing is a bit loose. Well.. don’t blame me but I need some motivations here :).

The 'Heat'

This morning I went out to have breakfast with kids n did some groceries at Giant. When I passed the entrance I heard a Raya song playing in the air. OMG.. it’s not even Ramadhan yet but they already playing the raya song..

Then I saw stacked of raya cookies n lots varieties kinds of dates from all over Middle East country. I don’t see people actually shopping for raya yet. Probably it was just a normal weekly grocery.

Deep inside me I felt so excited. I was smiling n I can feel that my heart feels with joy. Nabila n Hakeem have now started to understand n asked about Raya festival. Hubby will be coming back for good n yes.. this raya all of us will be together.

I’ve planned to make a few types of cookies. I am also looking forward for Iftar. Iftar always be a special month for me as I will cook n try out different kinds of dishes for the whole month. This doesn’t count the Pasar Ramadhan that we love to go n also shopping baju kurung raya for the children.

Hmm… I am now thrilled.. hehehehhe.. I can feel the heat already. This is the best part in life to celebrate Iftar n Eid in your own country. Believe me..

Oops Bersih

We’ve been living at our house for one half year. The house is all equipped with brand new furniture – totally new. I just have to bring in our clothes, books, kitchen items n a few others belonging including children’s toys.

Some of the toys are actually since when we were at Miri n also the one we brought from Oman. My children love to buy toys. My fault too as I in a way encouraged them. When they were small I prefer buying good branded toys. Some of them I still keep it till now. They all are still good n I don’t have a heart to throw or give away. One day they will thank me for keeping those as these will be nostalgic n value to them when they grown up.

Hakeem still has his original collections of Thomas Train. He didn’t want to play with that anymore but I still keep it. Nabila too has close to 50 Barbie which some were hand down from her sisters. Last 3 days I did spring cleaning in their room at the toy section.

I forced them to be around n helped me out. We sorted out old broken toys which mostly free from MCDonald. Before we moved in, these are the toys that were already being sorted out from our previous home. It’s quite amazing that after a year they didn’t actually made unnecessary collections.

I’ve told them that it’s not necessary to buy toy every time we go out. Nabila seldom buys toys as she is more into books. This is another problem for me as she reads books like she’s drinking water. Once she had the book in hand, she will start reading no matter where even while walking till it finish. So every time we go out she will insist buying books, not one but at least three pieces. I will spend just on her books close to RM100.

So the oops bersih went well. They helped me n arranged all the toys nicely. We ended up with 2 big bin bags of broken toys, books, rubbish n 1 plastic of toys to be given away. Well done kids n hopefully we don't have to this for another year.

Only God Knows

Last 3 days my father called me informing that his two best friends passed away on the same day - his golf n surau buddy. My father sounded so shocked n upset. I was surprised too as my dad was just talking about them weeks before.

Whenever there are any of his friends around the neighbourhood or our family friends, relatives passed away, dad used to call me. I know n still remember some of them, how I always see them around me when I was small.

I don’t like n so scared to receive the news of somebody that I know passed away. It all started since the day my mom left me. There was at one time my father told me that there were many people around the neighbourhood who gravely ill n passed away. He said that he didn’t know when will be his turn.

One day all of us might die. You don’t have to be old or sick. It’s just the matter of time. Either you are ready or not, your time will come. I always asked myself, in what way Allah will ends my life. Will I going to be gravely ill like my mom? Will I just like die while sleeping or doing something good?

And the final one am I ready to be taken away? As for now, I am not yet ready. I still have lots to prepare for my after-life. I want to at least see my two youngest children finish their highest education n can stand on their own.

I’ve watched Azean Irdawaty on TV when she has been diagnosed of having the second stage of cancer. She said – doctor claimed I only have 6 months to live. That’s what the doctor said but I beg n ask Allah to let me live longer maybe 2 years. Allah is the one who decide whether I should live according to the doctor's prediction. She is indeed a woman with strong will.

I always remind myself to always think about death. No one has immunity against death. No one is too healthy to die, or too young to die or too wealthy to die or too powerful to die or too famous to die.

I dont know when is mine. Only Allah knows.

Firman Allah bermaksud: “Dan Allah sekali-kali tidak akan menangguhkan (kematian) seseorang apabila datang waktu kematiannya. Dan Allah Maha Mengenal apa yang kamu kerjakan.” (Surah Al Munafiqun: Ayat 11)

Beautiful Baby

My SIL Liza gave birth to a beautiful girl couple of weeks ago at Malacca. I was only managed to see the baby at the time I wanted to go back to Shah Alam. The baby was having a jaundice n had to stay at the hospital for 3 days.

I was actually looking forward to see the baby. The moment I had her in my hand, I was like ooohh… eeehhhh… wooo… sshhhh… mix up feelings n emotions in me. The baby name Nurdeena Huda n she looks exactly like her elder sister Uzma. She is so beautiful with fair skin n black hairy hair.

I asked Nabila n Hakeem to see, touch n hold the baby’s hand. They were not so keen to do that. Nabila was busy playing with her gameboy where as for Hakeem he already started showing uncomfortable face looking at me holding the baby.

When asked Hakeem whether he wants to have a new baby at home who is his younger brother or sister he straight away answer NO. These are some reasons given:

1. If mommy have another baby then she will not love me anymore
2. I don’t want to be a baby-seater to take care of the baby n change the nappy n make susu
3. I am afraid the baby will play n mess up with my toys
4. I don’t want people to get confuse because we have a new baby
5. If the baby sleep with mommy then where am I going to sleep

That’s my youngest child Hakeem who is so so manja n mengada-ngada with me. My other children had actually talked to me n hubby “requesting” another new member in the family. Their reason is they want to have an experience of having a small sister/brother at their age which according to them that will be adorable n cute. Ye lah tu… ingat anak patung? :)

As for me.. deep inside me I would love to have another child. I love to get pregnant again.. n give birth to a beautiful healthy baby. BUT.. well there are always BUTs or else I won’t be talking about this right…

My last pregnancy was 7 years ago n I am 40years old now. Saying is much simpler than doing it. As much as I love to have a baby, deep inside me I am also scared. I also have my long lists of reasons why I think I better not doing it.

I have a big happy family now. Allah gave me beautiful handsome healthy brilliant children. I am truly blessed to have them all. So.. the issue of me having another baby – case closed!

The More The Merrier

My children are having their school holiday right now. It has been 3 weeks since n they have complained of getting bored n missing their friends. Hakeem kept asking is it tomorrow a school day mommy?

I was suppose to invite their friends coming over yesterday but have to postpone it coz I am still not feeling very well. This morning I have my aunty came over bringing my cousin’s children together. So my kids ibarat bulan jatuh ke riba..

Nabila is actually not feeling very well. She is having fever – got it from me. But still she doesn’t want to be left out.

So today Nabila and Hakeem were non stop playing from morning till now. Starting from dirtying their hands doing painting, main cikgu2, open a restaurants n shops, hide & seek n all sorts of games..

They do enjoying themselves.